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I really meant to do this earlier, but I kept... forgetting. TwT

So Thanksgiving Break is not this coming week, but the week after.

However, I will be away for pretty much the whole deal. If I were staying, there would be no need for this journal.

First, the AP Government classes traditionally go to Washington, D.C. for several days during this time. We leave Friday the 20th and return Wednesday the 25th, just in time for Thanksgiving.

Most would, anyway.

My parents will be following us up to the capital the day after we do to spend some time with family up there. They'll be taking me with them on the last day. It looks like we'll be returning Sunday night.

Just like with Christmas last year. I'm ambivalent.

However, I'm taking my cellphone, and while we're asked not to take them with us during the tours (kinda rude to be talking while a tour is going on, you know?), I'm still up for late-night chats. RF, I'm looking at you -- this includes our usual Saturday chats (my roommates will be so perplexed and it will be epic). In fact, that'll be the day we go to the White House~! I'll tell you about everything!

I'll also ask my parents if they can take my laptop up with them, so that Silver and I may be reunited upon Thanksgiving Day. If not, I'm sure that Dad will still be taking his, so I can still check stuff and things. Loads of things tend to happen when I'm not looking. So yeah.

But, yeah, from next Friday to next Wednesday, I'll be almost completely out; only those who know my cell phone number will be able to reach me.

Tags: real life

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I've begun to feel a bit like I'm good at nothing.

I don't know much about driving. I've never had a job, so I don't know about either of those.

I'm a pretty good student, but I slack -- sometimes deliberately -- and believe me when I say that there are plenty of students far better than me who actually want to do something that the rest of the world would smile upon.

I'm okay at housework, but I have my clumsy moments. Just today, I spilled about 3 cups of water all over the kitchen counter. Thankfully, my parents never scold me for it, but it's still embarrassing, especially during those times when you think that in the end, in a way, you're the best person ever.

I'm bad about the school newspaper. Recently, I sent in my best article ever. However, I still feel like I can't stack up. Additionally, it was an editorial, in which the reporter has more freedom. If I get any other section, it's going to be sub-par work for me. I'm good enough not to get nitpicked on, but I'm not so great that I'm praised.

_{In fact, does anyone other than the English teachers actually read that thing? Even worse...}

I'm really bad about the Senior Project. If I haven't mentioned it here, what I'm doing is using the Alice program, which is meant to teach object-oriented programming. However, I really haven't done anything with it, jossing the advice ~EspeonStar gave me near the end of last year. I just... can't... get myself to do it!

The point of the Senior Project is to work hard at something you're passionate about. Sure, they recommend something you can use in your career, but it's not required. Besides, come on. How many students really know what they're going to do?

But, hey. Guess which route I took anyway?

I wanted to do something related to writing -- I really did. It would have been the perfect opportunity to a. come up with something completely original and b. finish something.

But, no. I took the oh-so tentative career path instead. And now I don't want it anymore. _{Even my English teacher from last year was surprised... Another sign.} I want to change it, but I'm scared that it may be too late. And where in God's name would I find a Project Facilitator for that? _{Besides, the one I have now has already put in time... I'd feel bad about revealing that it was wasted.}

Which leads effectively into two more grievances. First, I'm too soft. I let my parents convince me to take the Alice route, and when I told my dad this morning, he just advised me to continue, making the most of it.

This softness also leads to a weak spot whenever the assignment is competitive. And my AP Language class has many competitive assignments. Why, just today, we did a Socratic seminar, in which points are awarded for asking good questions and giving intelligent input.

The problem is, I come out of those things more confused than when I go in, regardless of whether I'm commenting or questioning. Today was particularly bad. I shut down a quarter of the way in. Almost dang fell asleep, too (but no one noticed).

Which leads to my final grievance. Writing. AP Language is about writing. Most of the stuff I do links back somehow to writing.

However, I really suck at writing essays for that class. There are some finesses that aren't sinking in very well. And you know the way better students that I mentioned? Yeah. We have at least two of them in that class alone.

I dream of having a really successful and moving fic. I also dream about writing a novel or two and getting published someday. However, in light of some of the sheer genius writing I've seen in my years, I feel less and less capable of something that detailed, that well-planned, that good.

But it's all I really care about doing in the end. After all, amidst the despair, bursts of inspiration pour out, and I keep the thoughts ready to etch down when the time comes. So I write anyway.

But the rest of it? In short:

FUCK.

MY.

LIFE.

<sub>Makes me want to not go to college anymore. And send a message out: "Not even this school, so renowned, is good enough for me, Gancena the person."

Even makes me kinda wanna quit school... I wouldn't mind spending the rest of my days with Mami and Papi...

Tags: real life, oh dear, FML, writing

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Earlier, I had removed favorite deviations and collections for my Georgia Tech applications process in case any potentially sketchy material would show up.

Now I've put them back.

The kicker? I have no idea whether or not I made it. In fact, I think my application's still being reviewed.

And if I end up having to apply to more places, I will not be removing them again.

Why?

Because I shouldn't care. I don't care. I should be presenting a true image of myself, not a perfectionist facade. _{Besides, it's not like any of that's wrong...}

I have chosen to do this due to sudden inspiration. From an xkcd comic. This one: [link]

In fact... I'm actually feeling a bit better about the fic I brought to school freshman year! Because... because that was who I was! Sure, I faced the consequences, but I'd always felt proud of myself, in a way, for doing that, but I was never really sure why.

Now I do. Because for a moment, a fleeting fifteen minutes to a half-hour, I felt like I was really being myself: an enthusiatic fan. Perverted, yes, but enthusiastic. Unsupressed. Untamed. Free from rules.

_{...I feel like I've answered my own questions now.}

Tags: real life



Conformity?

FUCK. THAT. SHIT.

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Tags: Halloween, Team Fortress 2

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Before anything, two conjectures must be made about the Internet and the people who use it.

-- Practical users most frequently do business or research via the Internet. Normal users may have accounts to more fun websites. Heavy users are the kind who constantly seek refuge in or spend almost all of their free time on the Internet. This distinction must be made, for the following rules apply differently to each type of user. Specifically, they hardly matter to practical users, can be of use to normal users, and are the law of the heavy users. Many of these rules are tailored for normal and heavy users.

-- The definition of "happiness," as used, does not strictly mean bliss. A wide range of emotions can be experienced through the Internet's infinite media. All users are encouraged to allow these emotions to affect them appropriately, as if they were real. In fact, making people think and feel is the entire purpose of the media of the Internet.

1. Happiness is mandatory on the Internet. It must be provided by those with the talent, ability, will and time; it must be received by all. Failure to be happy will result in a downward spiral of many kinds of despair, for the real world is a place too angry, sad and complicated. The only hope remaining lies in the Internet.

2. There are infinitely many places to gain this happiness. If a place on the Internet does not make you happy, you have every right to leave and seek another one.

3. There is such a thing as etiquette on the Internet. While there are different rules for every major website, the general consensus is to be polite and flock only to places where you will be happy (see Rule No. 2) so that there is no temptation to be cruel. This is important, for being cruel will disrupt the happiness on the Internet.

4. Most websites have rules, much like in the real world. Rules are meant to be followed if they can be properly enforced. If a rule is not properly enforced, then it is bendable. If you wish to bend a rule, do so -- but tell no one. It is your happiness, but you must protect it.

5. Intelligence is a prerequisite for acquiring maximum happiness. It is required to be polite. It is required for navigation. It is required for rule bending. The stupid do not lose their happiness or have it ruptured because an angry corner of the Internet or the real world caught them between jaws of justice. It is because they were so stupid that they gave themselves away to the wrong people, and were thus caught.

6. You have a right to happiness on the Internet -- but you have a responsibility to protect it. If you are rule bending, tell no one. If you feel some would disapprove of your actions, or of something you made, do not let them see. It is your happiness, but you must protect it.

7. Most in the real world will let you browse freely. However, some -- parents of adolescents, especially, because they are your parents -- will often feel wary of something you aspire to. This is natural. However, it is the single largest risk factor to your happiness, and you must protect your happiness. Tell the wary little and the nay-sayers nothing, and your happiness will be safe.

8. How to know for sure if you want to meet an Internet friend: If you do not need to evoke Rules No. 4 or 7, then you are able to meet them. Think of the few real-worlders you trust with everything. If you feel the same way or a similar way with your Internet friend, then you want to meet them. However, users are encouraged to be selective, lest you unintentionally compromise your real-world safety.

9. The real world will attempt to infringe on your right to happiness by creating daily obligations. It is known that some of these obligations -- which are not-so-daily -- are willingly embraced and enjoyed. These obligations are harmless -- so much so that they can hardly be thought to infringe on the right to happiness at all. However, most are set in by real-world law, be it from a governing force or a societal force. These are the harmful, infringing ones. Unfortunately, there is little if anything that can be done. We must gain more power. Then we can all come up with a solution. Together. For the good of all of us. For the Internet.

...

....

.....

....

...

WHAT IS THIS I DON'T EVEN--!

It's shortly after midnight and all I did was come out from reading a fic. I am still congested from my illness, and I have a headache-like pressure as a result.

Then this happened. WTF.

All I really know is that a. I meant to be vague and b. I have some kind of point.

So... can anybody help me figure out what I was just talking about? Because even I'm not sure.

Tags: I am completely insane

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